Bad day

I am feeling very down today. The sadness started last night, and has continued on to today. I'm just so tired. I want to give up. The emotional toll TTCing is taking on me is more than I can handle. I am so very tired of getting my hopes up to ovulate, only to see my temps go down instead of up. I'm tired of every day's mood being set by what my temperature was that morning. I'm tired of having the EWCM without ovulation. I'm tired of seeing the days go on and knowing that we are getting closer and closer to the one year anniversary of TTCing without any child(ren) on the way. I am so angry that my body absolutely refuses to work. I'm mad because I want a baby so badly, and DH is actually telling me that he wants a baby so badly (he usually doesn't say much about it...I think he's verbalizing it because we're both getting so impatient and disheartened). I want to give up so badly but I'm so afraid that the second we stop trying, I'll ovulate and we'll have missed our chance. I cannot keep doing this. It hurts too much.

Let this be it!

UGH. I just finished my BL workout. I've really lost the motivation to do it over the past 3-4 days, but I have faithfully kept to it, even though I really don't want to. I have noticed that my waist is slimming, which is great, but I think my hips need to do the same! I could get in to my 5-6 jeans again if my hips would just shrink a little bit!

Today makes day 3 of 100% real EWCM. DH and I have BDed twice over the past three days, and I am really hoping this is it. Everytime DH and I get done BDing, he asks me, "So do you think we made a baby?" I sure hope so! I have had some random twinges in my right side near my ovary. According to TCOYF, there are 2 lymph nodes down near my groin right below my hip joint, and whenever that lymph node can be felt (like a pea-sized ball), that's the side you ovulate from. I tested that out when I read it, and sure enough, the right lymph node was swollen and felt like a little ball, so I'm hoping that the swollen lymph node and the slight cramping on my right side mean that I'm finally gonna ovulate!

I have noticed in the past few days that I am much more attracted to DH than usual. Don't get me wrong; he's sexier than any man alive, but I typically don't get turned on visually. However, just about every time I look at DH, I just wanna rip his clothes off and ravish him. I am also hoping that this is a good sign!

I've got a ton of laundry to catch up on tomorrow. It's been a hectic past few weeks, and I just haven't really thought about keeping up with it. The laundry is really starting to pile up, though, so I really need to get it done. Luckily, I should have all day tomorrow to do it!

TCOYF

I checked out Taking Charge of Your Fertility from the library today. I've heard many cysters talk about it and how great it is, so I'm gonna read it and see if I glean any new information (I'm sure I will). Maybe I'll find some good stuff to help DH understand what's going on inside my body.

Speaking of fertility, I had some 100% true EWCM today! So, DH and I BDed and hopefully I'll actually ovulate this time. I don't quite have my hopes up, but I really do hope this is it. Even if I don't end up pregnant, I would love to ovulate! I'm at CD80 today, and that's just ridiculous!

DH and I got to have lunch today with some dear friends of ours. We really missed them, so it was great to hang out today. Hopefully we will get to do it again soon!

I think my sister's going to come visit next weekend. I'm really hoping she does. We'll get to have a "girl" weekend of video games and horror movies. ;)

What a week so far!

It has been a crazy week. DH's grandma passed away yesterday, so I cut my family visit short to come back and be with him. The way he described her passing was almost exactly how things went with my grandmother. It was scary how alike it was. Brought back many memories from that day. The funeral is Friday. I didn't know his grandma very well, but I could tell from the few times I got to really spend with her that she was a very sweet, very loving woman and she truly adored DH and his siblings. I had really hoped DH and I would have a child before she passed so that our child could know her, but things just didn't work out that way.

Did my BL workout on Monday, and felt pretty good. Then, I noticed after my shower that lo and behold, I'm getting abs! I can see some definition starting in my abs, and it makes me so happy. I may not be losing much weight according to the scales, but my tummy is tightening up and that is okay with me! :)

Definitely didn't ovulate this past time around...although, I guess I should've expected that. My ovaries just don't want to give up those eggs! I keep alternating between deep sadness over the fact that we are still childless, and apathy since I know that every time I get my hopes up that I've ovulated, I don't. I wish I could get myself to stop charting, but then I know I would just stress about it even more and wonder if I missed O'ing because I wasn't keeping track. *sigh*

DH and I found a momma kitty and two little babies outside our apartment today. The momma is so sweet, and very friendly, but her little babies are feral and utterly terrified of me. We put some food and water out for them. Hopefully they will keep coming back. I have a nice little area made up on our back porch for the stray kitties around to come and eat and sleep in a nice, comfy dog box (it's even got pillows for them to lie on).

DH and I are going to go get our wedding garb tomorrow (well, today now) for the weddings we'll be in soon. He's got to get fitted for a tux, and I have to order my dress. His brother's coming with us. I think it'll be a fun trip! :)

Ugh...I still haven't done my BL workout for today (yesterday?). I just need to do it and get it over with. I ate a lot of food for dinner that I didn't need to be eating (2 pieces Papa John's pepperoni pizza, two garlic parmesan breadsticks, and a snickerdoodle cookie). Hopefully the workout will make me sleepy so I can go to bed before 3:00am like last night!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day! I wish I could've been saying this to DH, but there's always next year!

I have had the weirdest cm lately. It's yellow, stretchy, and super abundant. I have Googled it many, many times and many of the message boards I've read have said it's the type of cm they had when they got their BFP. I don't know how likely that is for me, but it's strange to say the least. I haven't had this much cm in a long time. It doesn't have an odor or anything, and I don't have any itching/irritation/burning/elevated temperature, so I don't think it's an infection of any sort. I suppose I just have to keep waiting and see if it goes away or not. Might be something to ask my doctor about this week.

My BBT keeps rising, which I suppose correlates with the + OPK I had on CD69. I don't have the sore nipples, though, and those are typically a confirmation that I ovulated (although, I've ovulated only 4 times since last July, and I only remember having sore nipples 2 of those times, so I guess I could be wrong). BBT is a better indicator than sore nipples, though, so I'm just gonna go with it.

Day 4 of the Biggest Loser workout tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine. I'm gonna be sore, but I feel good when I do it!

OPKs are so confusing!

Day 3 of my workout went so much better! I only took one mini-break, in which I did half as many reps as Bob wanted. The tops of my thighs were burning so bad, I just couldn't hold it for as long as he wanted me to! I think Monday's workout will be good, though. I'm really looking forward to it.

I think I got another positive OPK today. It's the kind where if any part of the test band is positive, then the test is positive. They're so hard to read though, so I honestly don't know if it was positive or not. It looked almost exactly like the "positive" test I took a few days ago, so I just chose to mark it as positive and made a note that it could very well be negative. I've had a very slow, but steady bbt increase since the day FF predicted I would ovulate, but I don't think I did ovulate. So, I guess we'll see in a few days if today's "positive" OPK is legit or not.

I'm visiting my family for Father's Day, and I'm supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my best friend from high school on Monday. Hopefully we'll find what we're looking for and it won't be super expensive!

Feeling lost and angry today.

Well, I got my OGTT results back today. Everything was normal. Last glucose check I did, it was 104 which was pre-diabetic. And, of course, now it's fine. I'm so frustrated, I could scream! The whole point of the OGTT was to confirm IR so I could start metformin and hopefully be on my way to regular cycles. However, this stupid test just had to come back normal so that I now have to wait until July 20 before I can see my doctor to see what he wants to do now. I called his office today hoping to speak with him about just that, and his nurse called back and told me that he hadn't said anything about what to do next so I have to wait until my appointment. I have been waiting 11+ months to finally get something going, and now I have to wait one more?! I never thought I'd be so angry to not have IR! I finally had a goal: get on metformin, get my insulin levels down, hopefully get my weight down, and maybe I'll ovulate. But now, I have no idea what to do, and no idea where to go from here.

I just want a baby. I want to ovulate regularly. I want to stop having to stress about bbt and cm and all that crap that I wish I didn't have to bother with in the first place!

I just want to sit and cry. I'm so frustrated and disappointed and angry. My bbt has been really crappy lately, and although it's rising very slowly, I'm about 99.9% sure that it doesn't mean anything because I don't have sore nips like I used to have when I ovulated so I really don't think I ovulated. I am so SICK of TTC. This is supposed to be a happy time in our lives when we're trying to create a little one that we will love more than anything, and instead it's just plain disappointment and stress and tears. I hate it.

I hope all of you women who have children don't take them for granted, because there are some of us who would give anything to have a child of our own.

Day 2 with Bob

Today will be day 2 of my BL workout. I was very sore yesterday, and I'm still pretty sore today, but I need to get in shape so I will grit my teeth and do it again!

I finally had some real EWCM yesterday, so DH and I got to BDing. Afterwards, he said, "I think that was some good Mommy/Daddy time." I was quite confused by the statement, thinking that he was referring somehow to our cats (I call him their daddy, I'm their mommy), so I asked for clarification. He said, "I think that was some babymaking time." I wish I could say I agreed with him, but honestly, I'm so bitter and negative about TTC that all I said was, "Yeah, I doubt it." I really hope we do make a baby, but I don't think we will. I haven't ovulated yet this cycle, although my body has tried 3 times already. I can't say I'm too optimistic for the next few days.

In about a week, DH and I will be going to the beach with his family. It'll be nice to spend a few days on vacation again with my husband, and also to hang out with his family. :)

Sunday is Father's Day. I had so badly hoped to have some good news to share...I'd really hoped it could be DH's "first" Father's Day, but of course we wouldn't be that lucky. I suppose the next best gift would be for me to actually ovulate, but I'm not counting on that, either. I did use an OPK yesterday and it was darker than the day before. I'm going to use another one today to see if it's any darker. I really hope it is, but I know that a positive OPK doesn't equal ovulation.

So, I guess it's just fingers crossed for the rest of the week! Please God, let me ovulate this time!

So sore today!

11 months and one day today. I am so hoping that by the end of this summer we'll have a little one on the way, but perhaps I maybe ought to change my goal to the end of 2010! I got some free OPKs in the mail yesterday and used one...it wasn't positive, but there was a line there and it was about half as dark as I needed it to be. I may use another one today just to see. I've had some really strange CM the past few days. It's yellow and holds its shape really well, and a small bit of it is really stretchy like EWCM but most of it isn't. I have no idea how to record it on FF, but FF says to record the most fertile type, so I've been recording it as EWCM. It's not like my normal EWCM, though, so I'm tempted to just change it to creamy and ignore it. It's just so weird. I've had so much of it lately. Sometimes I get these huge globs of it. I remember when we first started TTC, I had the same thing happened but just assumed it was because I was stopping BCPs. Hopefully at my next doctor's appointment my doctor can give me some clue as to what's going on!

I started one of the "The Biggest Loser" workout DVDs last night. The warmup itself kicked my butt! I am so out of shape! I'm taking a break from it today to go running with DH. I know I won't be running very much, but it'll be a start. I'll do the BL DVD again tomorrow, though. I hope it doesn't kill me again, but I bet it will. ;)

Almost 11 months

In just two days, DH and I will have been trying for baby #1 for 11 months. I cannot believe it's been that long already. I mean, we've had some good progress (finally getting checked for IR) but it's a bit sad that we don't already have a baby or have one on the way. I'm really hoping that by the end of the summer, we will be expecting a beautiful bundle of joy. I have to give myself something to work toward, so that will be my new goal.

I haven't had much soda since the OGTT. I had zero energy for the next-to-last night of VBS, which I'm sure was due to the fact that I haven't consumed any drink other than water until that point. Yesterday, I had a small cup of punch, but I've been trying my best not to drink any calories. I've been sticking to water, which has made me realize that a) I need to go buy a new filter for our water filter, and b) the tap water is not remotely cold enough to be satisfying. I'm going to need to start filling jugs and keeping them in the fridge to make them cold enough.

Just hanging out here with the kitties today. DH is working an overtime shift 'til 11, so I've been doing absolutely nothing productive all day. I'm thinking about reading for a couple of hours until I'm hungry enough to have some dinner. I think I've been doing pretty well as far as my diet is concerned. I haven't been counting calories, but I think I'm hovering around 1200-1300 a day, which is great. I've been eating more filling foods, which means I'm snacking less during the day. I've only had 3/4 cup ice cream and about an ounce of chocolate since I started the diet, so I'm pretty proud of myself! I had half a bag of M&Ms in my yogurt today, and half a dark chocolate bar (approx. 0.73 oz). I have felt like I've snacked more today than I should've, but I think from now on, whenever I get the urge to start snacking, I'll just drink water. Then, I'll get closer to drinking the amount of water I should be drinking and not fill up on sugar and snacks.

My poor arms!

My arms are so sore. Today I did the glucose tolerance test. I didn't know they were going to make me stay at the hospital for the full 2 hours, so I didn't bring any reading material or anything to keep me entertained. However, the resulting nausea from drinking the Glucola kept me pretty occupied for the two hours I was there. That stuff by far was the worst stuff I've ever had to drink (even worse than the barium drink I had to have for my cat scan a long time ago). I remember watching an episode of 'The Biggest Loser' this past season where some of the contestants were eating junk food, and they were complaining about how sick they were getting after just a few bites of the super sugary sweets, and I didn't understand how they could feel that way until today. Drinking straight sugar made me realize just how yucky sugar can be. Definitely made me want to swear off soda for a long time!

I need to remember next time to ask them if they have a different kind of tape to put over the gauze after a blood draw. I'm allergic to the adhesive, so even having the tape on there for a few minutes causes my skin to turn red and become very sore. Having the tape on there for the minimum 15 minutes after a blood draw makes me very uncomfortable for days, and leaves a nice red "image" of the tape on my skin. That's why I can't ever use Band-Aids or anything of that sort. I had a big ol' cut this past summer, and had to leave the Band-Aid on for a few days, and the resulting reaction left a mark on my skin in the imprint of the Band-Aid for a few months. It was the strangest looking thing!

I started my new diet today after the test. I had some chicken and rice soup (1.5 cups...just a little over the recommended 1 cup), a piece of light string cheese, a banana, and a glass of water. I felt really good after eating and didn't feel like I ate a lot of junk or fatty stuff. For dinner, we ate at church so I didn't get to eat as healthy as I would like, but I had a hot dog with sauce and some ketchup, a bowl of veggie soup with 2 crackers, a cookie, a small brownie, and a slice of pound cake (yeah, didn't need all that dessert...but it was right there just waiting on me to eat it!). Now, I'm eating a light hot dog (didn't know they made those until yesterday) on a wheat bun with a single serving of fat-free pretzel sticks and a piece of light string cheese. I like eating healthy (or at least trying to). ;)

VBS has been exhausting, but very much a blessing and so awesome to be a part of! The kids are all so enthusiastic and entertaining, and they seem genuinely happy to be there. My nervousness about teaching a class is completely gone, and I feel really comfortable talking to them and interacting with them. I consider this just more prep for when I have kids of my own!

Bye bye, sugar...

I completely forgot that I needed to do my 2-hr. glucose tolerance test. It's been well over a month since my doctor ordered it. I suppose I'm going to need to do that one day this week. It's going to be such a hectic week anyway. My inspection sticker expired on my car so I've got to get that done tomorrow sometime in between decorating for VBS, running with DH, prepping for VBS and then VBS itself. I could get up in the morning and do the test, but I had a tiny bit of Sprite about 30 min. ago and I think I have to do an 8- or 10-hour fast anyway. I'd rather not make things even more hectic tomorrow than they're already going to be.

I'm happy to be home. I miss hanging out with my family, but I am so happy to be relaxing on the couch with my kitties surrounding me. I got to go to church tonight for what felt like the first time in a long time. I love my church. I love my church family, I love worshipping God with them. I got to work in the library tonight, which I missed more than I thought I would. I got some organizing done, which (surprisingly enough) I really enjoy doing.

I've started reading the Percy Jackson series of books. I'm on the first one right now, and I'm really liking it. I've always been fascinated by Greek mythology. It all seems so silly, but I've always been a huge fan of fantasy stories, and the myths themselves are so fantastical that I just love to read them. I think if I ever decided to go back to college for fun, I would get a degree in classics. I loved the classics courses I took at MU. I wish I'd taken more of them!

It's looking like I'll be able to start my new "diet" on Tuesday. We'll do some grocery shopping tomorrow (if we can fit it in) and then we can start going from my awesome menu that I created. I've planned out every meal (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks). I didn't bother with calorie counts, but I incorporated a ton of fruits and veggies and whole wheat/whole grain foods. I cut out all of the boxed meals and processed foods. I'm also going to attempt to cut out as much sugar as I can. That means no more soda. :( It will be worth it in the end, especially if I can drop the 20 lbs I want to lose and get a BFP in the process!

Yard Sales

Today Tipsy and I hit up a few yard sales. I wasn't anticipating going with her, but she really wanted me to go and I figured I could scope out some more children's books (I've got a huge collection already...Matthew and I love to read, so I bet our kids will, too). I ended up buying two baby blankets and a ton of books. I don't think I spent more than $7 total, so I was pretty pleased. I did notice that had I been pregnant already, I could've really loaded up on cute outfits. Almost every sale we went to had tables full of baby clothes! I didn't buy any, although I really saw some cute dresses and pants for really cheap!

I'm heading back home tomorrow. I really miss DH and my kitties. It'll be nice to have some time to relax at home, even though this week will be stressful with VBS. Everything will be okay, though. I'm anxious to get this week over with, but I'm happy I'll get to spend it with my husband!

Gooooooooooal!

Yesterday was a good day. :)

Tipsy (my grandma) is visiting for a few days, and I always love getting to spend time with her. We spent the whole day just hanging out, and this evening I got to see my "Sis" Kristin and her little girl Kamryn. Kam was being so goofy...she had a blast with our cats and the dog. I hope to have a sweet little girl like her someday. ;)

I had some pangs in my right ovary earlier, but haven't had any EWCM so I'm pretty sure I'm not ovulating or even close to it, which is good since I don't get to see DH until Sunday, and we haven't seen each other since this past Sunday. A week-long gap isn't good for TTCing, but I think we're safe, haha.

I've had it in my head for awhile that maybe I want to go buy a onesie or something. I guess I think that maybe once I get a baby-related item, things will start happening. Of course, I may just end up stockpiling lots of baby gear, but...I don't know...I need something to give me a bit of hope. It's like when you're overweight and you have a "goal" outfit or pair of jeans or whatever. It gives you something to aspire to. If I go buy a pair of 5/6 jeans, I will just have to lose the weight so I wouldn't have wasted the money on the jeans. So...if I buy the onesie, my body will have to get in gear so I won't have wasted the money on the onesie. That's how it works, right? ;)

No Ov this time around.

Well, like I thought, I didn't ovulate. This cycle just keeps going on and on! I'm very tempted to get my last Provera refill, but my doctor said he wanted me to try to have a natural one. I'm sure he won't let me go too much longer, though. I'm already about 2 months in to this cycle, and I think most doctors don't let you go longer than 3 months without inducing a bleed.

I've spent the day just relaxing. Took a nap earlier since my "rain radar" (my sinuses/head) informed me quite painfully that rain was on its way. It's been storming for about an hour now. I tried to get some good pictures of the lightning, but I'm not quick enough and I would've had to stand out in the pouring rain to get the best ones.

I miss DH. I'll get to see him on Saturday, but that's so far away. We have barely seen each other since we got back from our vacation nearly a month ago. I've been up visiting family for two of those weeks, and he hasn't been able to come with me since he doesn't have any more vacation time banked. Hopefully I won't have to do too much traveling this month so I can see him more.

Some of the cysters and I have been venting on the boards and talking about all the crap we've dealt with since starting the TTC process. It's been so nice to share our stories and complain and laugh and vent. I really enjoy the PCOS message board. It's so good to have that support. :)

It's so hot in here!

Today has been pretty eventful. I walked about an hour in the park with my mom, then my stepfather and I fixed my car (it was making a horrible thumping noise under my feet...rotated the tires around and now it's gone!). The AC is broken here, so it's been toasty hot outside and toasty hot inside. I'm really hoping it won't skew my temp in the morning, but I'm gonna be sweating so bad all night it's probably going to be higher than I would expect.

I wanted to adopt a kitty today, but DH would've killed me. We already have four little furbabies, and that's two past his limit, and four past what he can reasonably handle. ;) I took Bean Bean to the vet for his eye, and they had some free kittens there, and this little black kitten was just so darn adorable and I wanted him really bad. Luckily, DH talked some sense into my head and I went home with just the kitty I brought.

I'm spending the day tomorrow just relaxing with my sister. We'll probably do what we always do: play Resident Evil 5. I've lost count of how many times we've beaten it. I think we know it inside and out now. I also need to get with my best friend from high school to help her plan her wedding. She's going to be such a beautiful bride. :)