Mini Update

-My supply's finally gone back up. I can get the next day's bottles for Noah in just two pumping sessions, which is very awesome indeed. Makes me way less stressed!

-Noah, in all his wriggling and kicking this morning, managed to undo one side of his diaper. So, when I went to get him out of his crib to nurse him before work, he was soaked...as was the crib sheet and the mattress (thankfully it's covered with plastic!). So, he got a quick wipe-down (no time for a bath) and we changed out his sheet and cleaned the mattress with a wipe. I told DH to double check next time to make sure the diaper's not too tight so this doesn't happen again. Noah didn't seem to mind being wet, but he hated getting wiped down, haha.

-The paroxetine might actually be working. I don't feel nearly as great as I did on the Pristiq, but I'm starting to have a more positive outlook on life in general. For a bit yesterday, I actually looked forward to going home. Normally I think on the afternoons with a sense of dread, but yesterday I was glad to go home and hang out with Noah. We played with his activity gym for an hour, then napped for a couple hours. I didn't feel anxious or stressed at all. :)

Noah Updates

Totally forgot to mention updates in Noah's world:

He's up to 13 lbs, 14 oz. as of his last appointment and is 24.5 inches long. Right on track!

He also made liars out of us, haha. When the nurse asked if he was pushing himself up using his arms, we said no, because until that point he hadn't. The next day, he was on the couch and ended up rolling from his side to his tummy. I left him lie there to see what he'd do. The little stinker started pushing himself up and lifting up his head! I took pics because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Of course, he still won't do tummy time if he doesn't initiate it...he's going to be one stubborn little boy!

No change

I'm trying to be hopeful about the Paxil, but I honestly don't feel any different yet. I realize it can take up to eight weeks to see a noticeable difference, but I'm getting impatient. I noticed a difference right away with the Pristiq, but nothing's changed so far. I still panic when Matthew works a 7am-3pm shift and I'm home by myself with the baby. I know that I'll get through it just fine, but that trepidation is still there. I think much of my problem is that I'm just so tired all the time, and it seems like the PPD manifests itself primarily when I'm not at my best physically. I feel like all I want to do when I'm home is sleep, and I get frustrated when I'm tired and Noah's not. Lately we've been taking naps together on the couch. I enjoy doing that, but I just wish I enjoyed spending time with Noah all the time.

I finally had my first PP AF. I'd had some EWCM for a few days, but didn't think much of it. Then the spotting started a few weeks later (I think...I honestly don't know how long my LP was). It's not been that bad, but I'm disappointed that it's back already. I'd heard that EBFing would keep AF away for a good while, so I thought I had at least another couple of months of freedom. I guess now that Noah's sleeping longer stretches at night, my body's getting itself back in order. How sad is it that I'd love for my PCOS to kick in so I wouldn't have to bother with AF until we were TTC again?

Paroxetine

I finally got on an antidepressant: paroxetine (aka generic Paxil). I started it Friday night. It certainly isn't the nicest medication I've ever taken. So far I've experienced: nausea, anxiety/nervousness (24/7...feels like I could have a panic attack at any moment), sleeplessness (because I'm so jittery), metallic taste in my mouth and some blurred vision. I usually take it at night so I can try to sleep away some of the side effects, but that certainly hasn't been happening lately. I've noticed that I'm so jittery/anxious that I'm involuntarily clenching my jaws, so much so that my teeth are hurting. I'm giving it the rest of the pack (~26 pills) to see how things improve (or don't improve). I didn't have any problems when taking Pristiq, but it hasn't been evaluated for use by nursing moms yet. On the up side, however, I spent the whole day with Noah yesterday (had a bad migraine so I stayed home from work) and I didn't feel completely overwhelmed. I guess that's a start!

Today Noah has his four-month check-up. He should be getting his second round of immunizations, which is quite a bummer for all of us, haha. Hopefully he'll do just as well with these as he did the first round. He's been awfully fussy lately, with being so sleepy but not wanting to nap. Hopefully we can all get some good sleep tonight!

Hello, 2012!

Just randomly posting whatever I think of to update with. I know there's lots of things going on, but I just don't want to sit and make it all flow well.

--I'm so psyched to start off the new year with my little boy. I can't even believe I get to say that!

--I totally can't wait to do taxes. Seriously. Not just because we'll get a hefty return this year, but because I just like doing taxes. Luckily we're relatively poor so it's not hard to do taxes. If it was any harder, I might not like it so much.

--DH and I need to sit down and really hash out what we plan to do as far as looking for a new place. We keep talking about it in a "It'll happen someday..." sense, but it needs to be a "Let's get moved before 2013" sense.

--Totally had EWCM today. Super duper stretchy, and super duper unwelcome. It would be my luck to actually have EWCM when we're absolutely not even close to TTC for at least another 9 months. This means that AF could potentially be returning soon, which is really annoying. I'd hoped to be one of those women who didn't have a period until after weaning. Of course, my body just could be returning to its screwed up ways, and I won't even ovulate for another 4 months or so. As long as AF's return is delayed, I suppose I won't complain too much.

--Postpartum hair loss really, really sucks. I honestly feel like I'm going bald. I'm losing handfuls and handfuls daily. My hair feels so thin now. I've been wearing it long because DH likes it, but have been considering cutting it shorter so it looks thicker. I hope it starts growing back soon...if you pull my hair back, it looks like I have a receding hair line!

--Had another PPD setback yesterday. DH worked the evening shift, so it was just me and DS from 3-11 pm. DH let me get in a short nap from 1:30-2:30 before he left, but I woke up more tired than I was when I went to sleep. Of course, after eating, DS didn't want to go back to sleep, and he cried and fussed for another hour and a half before falling asleep. I also cried and fussed. Really wanted to throttle our cat Rudy when he meowed and woke DS up right after he fell asleep.

--A book I helped a professor with will be out in February. If you get the chance, pick up a copy of 'Eisenhower in War and Peace'. My name's in the acknowledgments. ;)

Baby's First Christmas

This Christmas felt like it really had a purpose. In past years, we would wake up on Christmas morning, do our gift exchange, visit all our families, then come home with piles of gifts. The routine didn't change this year, but it felt like it had meaning. It felt like things weren't really about us. I mean, I know Christmas is about our Lord coming to Earth as a little baby, but in regard to the gift giving, I don't think we really had much concern as to what we got. It was way more exciting to see what Noah got. And boy, did he get some awesome stuff! Exersaucer, keepsake kit, clothes, jogging stroller...so much stuff that we don't have room for, but we're glad all the same for it!

I'm looking forward to next year's Christmas. Noah will be old enough to be able to open gifts, and he'll really get enjoyment out of it. :)

Noah's hit a few more milestones lately. He's figured out how to blow raspberries, and he does it all the time now! He's also figured out how to roll from one side to the other. I think he'll be rolling over completely soon. As far as tummy time goes...well...it doesn't. He absolutely HATES it, and the second we lay him down on the floor, he screams and cries, and either continues that for the full 30 minutes or falls asleep. He doesn't have much arm strength, although his head strength is good. When he's sitting up, he does so well. We have to hold him to keep him upright, but he holds his head up completely and looks around. When he's lying on someone's chest, he will lift his head really well. But, the second you lay him down on his tummy, he goes beserk. It stresses me out that he's so behind on that development, but I'm hoping that if we keep trying, he'll eventually get used to it and will start trying to push himself up.

He'll be 4 months old on the 7th. I can't believe it's been that long since he was born. He's growing so much...eventually he'll start crawling, and walking, and talking...and next thing you know, he'll be off to college! I'm so not ready for my little boy to grow up!

PPD

No one likes to talk about PPD. I didn't like talking about it at first, either. I was ashamed; I felt like a failure. What kind of mother thinks about throwing her baby out the window? Or putting him in a drawer and shutting it so she can't hear his crying? The only person I wasn't afraid to tell was DH. I don't know why, but I knew I could tell him. I was terrified to tell my mother, even though I knew she'd be totally understanding. I don't even know if MIL knows at this point.

I have many memories of sitting in the rocking chair, bawling my eyes out as I hold Noah. Those first six weeks were the hardest and most miserable weeks of my life. Even though I was so overjoyed that Noah was here, I was so sad. We weren't sleeping much, and that was taking a toll on me. I didn't feel like I was recovering very well, but having no prior experience I didn't realize that something was off. It wasn't until the thoughts of harming Noah started that I realized things were very wrong. I was utterly terrified to be left alone with him. Not because I was afraid I'd hurt him (although sometimes, I was afraid) but because when Noah would start screaming and crying, it made me panicky and angry and would leave me sobbing. DH works an overnight shift on Saturdays, and the thought of being by myself with the baby sent me into a panic every time. Luckily my sister was able to come spend the night to help out. I'm so grateful that she gave up her time to be my back-up.

I decided it was time to call my doctor when I was lying on the couch with Noah and he started screaming. I found myself raising my hand to smack him. Luckily, I came to my senses before doing anything, but when I saw my hand in the air in front of me and realized what almost happened, I lost it. I cried and cried -- aching, gut-wrenching sobs. How could I come so close to hurting my baby boy? A little boy that DH and I struggled so hard to bring into this world. What was wrong with me?

Calling my OB's office to tell them that I thought I had PPD was scary. And when I went to my appointment, and the nurse asked me why I thought I had PPD, and I had to admit out loud to a total stranger that I kept thinking about harming my baby, I felt so crappy. And rehashing everything to the OB (not my regular OB, but one I'd never met before) just made me feel like a mess. He gave me 2 weeks' worth of antidepressants, and was sure I wouldn't need more than 2 weeks' worth. I wish he'd been right.

The pills worked wonders. No longer did I feel like everything was hopeless. The light at the end of the tunnel was there again. I felt more confident, more sure that everything would work out beautifully. I entertained the idea of giving Noah a sibling or two.

Then the pills ran out. And we found out the prescription costs $140 a month. There's no way we can afford that right now. We're not even paying some of the bills we owe for Noah's birth yet because the money just isn't there. So, we've been attempting to manage the PPD as best as we can. Things have improved lately, but sometimes it just takes the tiniest situation to trigger it again and I feel like I'm right back down again.

Yesterday was another solo day for Noah and me. DH worked 7am-3pm and normally I work from 8am-noon, but my MIL couldn't babysit so I was home. I was nervous, but knew I just had to suck it up and hope for the best. The entire time DH was gone, Noah was doing great. I remember changing his diaper right as DH came home, and I was so glad I had handled the entire day well (noting, though, that it wouldn't have been nearly as good if Noah had been fussy). Then, about an hour later, Noah started spitting up and crying. DH put him in the swing and sat down beside him. Noah continued to cry, then started to sob and scream. DH just kept him in the swing. I started to get frustrated, then angry at his lack of compassion. Eventually I decided to take Noah out of the swing and nurse him to see if that would help (it did). As I nursed him, I felt unreasonably angry at DH. I bit back so many hateful, hurtful things that I wanted to say. The anger then turned into deep sadness. Once I handed Noah to DH after he was done nursing, I just buried my head in my arms and cried (quietly, because I didn't want DH to know I was crying). The sadness was overwhelming. About two hours later, I started to pull out of it. I was so upset that I'd "relapsed".

Today is better. I'm at work, so I've got a break from most things baby-related. I'm seriously considering phoning the OB's office again to see if they'd call in a different prescription for me (one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg). I hate to resort to meds again, but they really did help, and I honestly have no idea how much longer this will go on if I keep trying to tough it out without help. The idea of suffering from this for another 6 months to a year is an extremely daunting one.

Writing this all out has been helpful. It's nice to be able to write it and not feel ashamed. PPD is a real thing, and it's a real issues for many moms, and I really hope I can at least remove some of the stigma about it. I don't want any other new moms to feel ashamed for feeling how they do. Not talking about it makes it worse. If you feel like you're suffering from it, TELL SOMEONE. It really does help.